Recognizing Blessings

This post will be a little bit different. I have been debating on sharing some things because of what it may look like but I want peole to know what really goes on when you have a preemie or a sick child so here goes. During the summer I had a dream of my Uncle James. He is my mom's only brother and passed away August 2003. I walked into my mom's house and he was sitting on the floor in her living room with his legs crossed indian style. I said "Hey, what are you doing here? to him and he didn't respond. I leaned down to hug him and I said "I have missed you." He started crying and I asked "What is wrong?" and he covered his face and started crying harder. I asked him "Is Addison okay?" He shock his head no and I asked "What is wrong with her?" He answered "She has a blockage." I woke up after that. I told a few people about my dream but I was embarassed to tell her doctors becuase I thought they would look at me like I was crazy. About 2 months later my father in law found out he had 2 heart blockages and had to have stents put in. My husband thought maybe that is what my uncle was trying to tell us. Of course now we know he was talking about Addison. The weekend Addison came home from her surgery I was working in the living room and mom was reading a book about Jesus to Addison in our bedroom. I heard mom tell Addison she has a brother named James like Jesus does and Addison responded "I know, I met him." Mom asked what they talked about and Addison said "He just wants me to feel better." Surely this proves my Uncle James is Addison's guardian angel. How lucky are we to know for a fact Addison has someone watching over her. I just wish I would have spoke up to the doctors sooner, I will now for sure.
When I had Addison my OB told me he really has to watch his preemie moms because it is very common for them to have postpartum depression and post tramatic stress disorder from the NICU expierence. Lucky me I developed both. I know this sounds gross and you really don't understand until you have felt depression but when she was a baby I would go days without washing my hair or even remembering to brush my teeth. I just physically didn't have the strength to take care of myself. I still have anxiety attacks just taking her to Walmart and hearing someone cough. My heart races and I have to leave almost immediatly and then I stress about her getting sick. Everytime we go to a birthday party or holiday gathering she gets sick. I don't want her to miss out on these experiences so I still bring her. Even taking her to McDonalds to play I get anxious and I am constantly thinking about things like, I wonder when was the last time this equipment was cleaned, oh goodness that kid has dirty hands, etc.  I know it probably seems like I am over protective but trust me I wish I didn't feel like this. People think because she is 2 now, she is not a preemie no more and I shouldn't worry. It is not just worrying about Addison, I get stressed out when I feel over whelmed. Poor Tre', he has learned to deal with it by now. The smallest upset can lead me to days of feeling so depressed I won't even get out of my pajamas. I get jealous of people who get to get dressed everyday and go into work. I love staying home with Addison but she is with me 24/7. I know this may sound horrible and I am so very blessed to be able to work from home to take care of her. But when you go into work, you have adult interaction, you know you are getting your work done, you have days off, when you get off you don't have to think about work anymore, etc. I have to work every free second I get, including weekends and holidays. There is absolutely no way I could keep any other job the way Addison has doctor appointments all the time. I would have to take off work at least once a week. I have been having a bad episode for the last couple of weeks since her surgery. Even feeling like I am just ready to give up, until yesterday when I read about this baby. I am a part of a group of preemie moms on facebook. One of the moms posted about her friend that just had a baby boy named Ryder. He was born fullterm at over 37 weeks. He had heart defects, a cleft lip and his intestines were on his outside. He had surgery to correct his intestines at 1 day old and surgery was scheduled to correct his cleft lip the next day. His surgery should have only taken 2 hours but lasted 8 hours. His body had a reaction to the medication given during his surgery and his fever spiked at 107. He passed away at 3 days old. My heart is broken nmfor his family but after I heard the news the first thought that crossed my mind was he is lucky. He is not suffering anymore and he is in Heaven. I hate to say that but look at Addison. All she has known is suffering. Then my next thought was I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself. I am blessed to even be able to get pregnant, have a live baby, and even a child that has survived so much. I wish I could turn off these sad feelings but it is beyond my control. Before dealing with depression I didn't understand how people could let it control their life, but now I know what they go though and it stinks!!! I started taking Zoloft and Tre' said he could tell a difference but since we canceled my insurance I have not had it filled. I was trying to see how I would do without it, but I realized I really need it. I am going to see if I can get some samples first, fingers crossed. But if not I will have to switch to the cheapest medication I can find and I already feel guilty about spending money on me. But enough about me and onto Addison.
Addison is eating a little bit better. I just fixed her some red beans for lunch and she lifted the bowl up like it was cereal to drink the juice. She only woke up 3 times last night and she went back to sleep faster than she has been. She is still talking about the hospital and what happened to her. We just keep reassuring her she is getting better and her belly boo boo will go away. We were at Walmart the other day and the pharmacist was reaching by her to grab a pack of gum and Addison froze and just stared at her. Her white coat scared her. I made a comment she had just got out of the hospital and the pharmacist told Addison she wasn't going to do anything to her and smiled at her. Addison is scared really easy now, and whines for us to hold her, seems like constantly when we are not home. After her nap today we plan on making valentines with her cousin Colin.
Thank you everyone for your donations. Not just money but stuff for the yard sales and buying shirts. I am going to send thank you cards out. I have a little surprise being made to send with them to show our gratitude. It will take at least 2 weeks, but they are coming. Oaky I have been on here long enough, the boss is fussing at me. As always thanks for your continued support and prayers